Sometimes.

                                            

                      


                                                                    Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I was born earlier ,perhaps the 80s . I feel misplaced in this generation . Maybe if that were so; I'd have a different point of view on life because I assume life would be different. Sometimes I wish I could die to see where I'd go. Does Heaven or Hell really exist? Would God excuse my sins because he understands that through it all , I never meant malice with my actions? I'm just a human. Sometimes I wonder what if I never got into a relationship,giving love another shot after being in toxic situation/(ships) with those women for which as a man I realize I brung those hardships on myself . Curiosity killed the cat, I never heeded warnings and refuse to blame my foolishness on being young. As a long-time pessimist I always expect bad but hope for good...even in what appears to be a bad or "toxic "individual .Sometimes I wonder what if I graduated high school the first time and never moved to Philly from Maryland. Would the seemingly lack of resources rob me of my ambition because I see no hope in one day flying away to live my dreams. Would I become a statistic in the system like alot of my friends and classmates, living life boxed in a corner eventually standing on the corner somewhere in my small Riverside neighborhood probably without a proper place to lay my head while my train of thought revolves around a meal that I'll probably get from Mitchell's ,the corner store around the way because I'm starving. Nah maybe I still wouldn't be into crime but should be a crime for, in a way ; purposely being stagnant because I just can't see past Oak Street. Sometimes I wonder what if I didn't leave Georgia in October and come back home to Philly. Would I be happier if I allowed myself to accept the differences in lifestyles...nah I woulda still brought my ass back home regardless . Sometimes I ponder my own intelligence and wonder am I really as smart as people say I am . Maybe I read books because I actually feel dumb and sincerely feel the only way I'll get ahead in life is to bulk up my brain with classic literature such as 48 Laws, Mastery, books on how to make "Fuck You Money". Well atleast I actually believe that knowledge is power.Sometimes I wonder would life truly be more dramatic if me and my girl actually had the kids,disregarding our self-imposed poverty (I say self-imposed to emphasize accountability), me genuinely not being ready and her not caring to be pregnant by me that early in our relationship . It's the most awkward shit in the world to have someone ask you, "When are you having kids?". I sometimes cringe and at times feel undeserving of life myself. Sometimes I feel foolish for forgiving her for infidelity in the past. I feel like a punk, it still stings like it just happened. I sometimes find myself having flashbacks and immediately I'm angry outta nowhere...like its a weird feeling i PHYSICALLY feel outta nowhere when my mind wanders. I'm still in love with her. Our relationship is rocky..not even because of this but because of the aftermath in the whole Georgia fiasco...never would think me trying to make a better life for us would turn everything upside down for the worst... I'm still flabbergasted by it. Sometimes I wonder do I really believe in myself with these claims of being the best in my craft or does it just sound good when I scream it on wax ? Truthfully the only reason I'm probably questioning this is pure frustration , I want people to somehow realize Im the best too...alot of us artists are like that. I don't think we can help it. Who knows maybe this is just growing pains of the aspiring artist, feeling like you're not moving fast enough in a way feeling entitled because you're talented.Perhaps the remedy is to eat more humble pie.

@hardheaded_leo
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www.soundcloud.com/dnrinmydna